Here is what I was going to write last time before I gave up and went to bed. I meant to pay my credit card and student loans for this month on the Friday when I got paid, but I put it off to Sat, and on Sat evening I think Gramma went into the hospital (because she refused to be admitted to the hospital on her birthday). Then I put it off for like a week, and then I get a notification that I’ve missed a credit card payment. Whoops!

Thankfully my first missed payment has no late fee, but I wish I had saved my first missed payment for way later. I waited at least one year after I got my card at least lol. Then I payed it right away, and Discover takes a hot minute to process the payments. I can’t remember if I bought anything else, but a day or so later I get a text notification that my checking account is overdrawn. Bruh. Must not have checked my balance on my checking before I paid my CC. So that really threw me off in addition to the other stuff.

Gramma was given the hospice news on the evening of the 29th, and we started talking with hospice people on the 30th. I was pretty chill about it while we were in the hospital for the next three days, but when she came home on the 1st and after we’d gotten everything set up at home and she was asleep and me and Grampa and Mumma were sitting and eating dinner, I was looking over at her and I got a bit sad.

I stopped myself from crying, but it was really hard to fall asleep that night. We didn’t have a commode delivered in time, so we put together the seat raiser thing we already had in the bathroom and a menards bucket with a trash bag under it next to the chair that she was sleeping in. But she was asleep while we set that up, so at like 2 in the morning she got up and started walking to the bathroom on her own (too far away for her to go right now, there is a lot of fatigue and shortness of breath and pain in shoulders) and Grampa managed to wake up when she had just gotten around the corner of the living room into the sitting room/hallway. He helped her the rest of the way and then wheeled her back to her chair. He says it took like 45 minutes. I imagine she got a bit weepy.

Then on Friday we got the commode and the other oxygen compressor delivered. Oh. When we were about to leave the hospital, we needed oxygen for her on the ride home. We had gotten a delivery for an oxygen compressor and a tank the night before at like 8pm (on NYE) and some tubing. We didn’t realize we needed to bring the oxygen to the hospital, so my dad brought it up. We guessed that the oxygen that was the “portable” oxygen was the tank on this little handtruck, so he brought that and the tubes.

Turns out that you need an air regulator for an oxygen tank. We weren’t given one, so it was a bit of a predicament at the hospital with other nurses coming in to try and help us get it set up, and this nurse who knew about this stuff sounded appalled that we were delivered the compressor and this tank and then no regulator. How is one supposed to get the oxygen out of the tank without a regulator? So she called the number on the tank and was very firm about it, and at first the lady on the phone said she could have a driver over in a couple hours (???) We want to leave the hospital now, and we’ve got a hospice nurse coming to the house in like an hour and we live a half hour away!

So this nurse from somewhere else who was helping us went and found a regulator from god knows where and was going to let us use it on our way home until we got our own regulator and we’d have one of the family members return it to the hospital. The nurse was like, I shouldn’t do this and I could get it in trouble but I am prepared to do it because you need it.

Then we got a call that a guy would be over soon with a regulator, and he showed up and gave it to us and showed us how to put it on. He was appalled that we didn’t get one, and was also appalled that we got no instruction booklet and the guy who delivered it also didn’t come in and explain how any of it worked. I guess he wanted to get to a NYE party soon? But like, this is a medical device? The delivery guy was on his way to Watertown from Oconomowoc, so he turned around and gave us a regulator he had in his truck before heading to Watertown and we were all very grateful.

Also our regular Walgreens was closed on New Year’s Day, but we kind of need the opiates before we go home for pain and stuff (we had some extras at home but not a lot) but the nurse had overheard that someone else had gotten stuff sent to the Walgreens in Oconomowoc, so we got them sent over there. Then when I was picking them up the lady was like, we have nothing for this location, what where you expecting to get? So I hand her the printout of the meds we are supposed to be discharged with and she goes “Did you have these sent anywhere else first?” so I explained the situation and she reprocessed some of them, so I got the three that I could, but we’d have to wait another two days to get the fentanyl patches. Whatever.

We started a med log in my notebook that I took my Death, Dying, and Grief notes in. I taped in a pink notecard to we can easily flip to the start of the med log. One of the hospice nurses told us we should probably keep a log just to keep track. We also got a pulse oximeter but I don’t know what exactly we are supposed to be keeping track of, but I think Mumma does.

We both spent the morning with Gramma on Friday while Mumma tried to do some work from home. Then around the afternoon she said we should really split this up so we aren’t doubling over each other and I said yeah I was thinking about that. So I stayed over and Mumma went home to take a nap and so some other stuff, and then she made some spaghetti for dinner. Then she came back over and me, her, and Gramma had dinner in the living room and Grampa and Puppa had dinner in the kitchen (Grampa likes to eat at his spot at the table).

Mumma, Gramma and I were originally supposed to get our hair cut today (Saturday) but Mumma had canceled her and Gramma but I was still going to go because I needed it (I like having Short hair). And then we had Grampa and Erik come along too, because Grampa’s hair had grown long enough that I could see some white and gray (normally he is pretty clean buzzed bald). So we did that this morning, and then we got the fentanyl patches and I got some commode liners. Then me and grandpa got some late-ish breakfast (like 10:30-11). Then when we got home, I discussed with Mumma that I would be at home until like 12 or so and then I’d come over and we could switch.

I got to do some of the stuff I’d been meaning to do on my computer (my monthly budgeting spreadsheet updating, and then filling in the end of the month stuff into my Annual spreadsheet) and then I got some time holding Brown, and then I got some time working on the art doll I’m trying to make for Mumma’s birthday. Which is coming in a week. I won’t finish it by then, but I think she is understanding. I don’t know what we’re going to do for her birthday.

Me and Mumma have a similar main viewpoint, to take it hour by hour. Just think about the rest of the day and maybe tomorrow too. Only loose plans in the future. Just think about the hour. Writing about this is making me a bit ready to cry but I want to persevere.

Yesterday is when I finally cried for the first time. I was sitting on the couch and Gramma was on the chair watching the TV. I started thinking more about how she will progress and all the change that will happen and then what we’ll do when she’s gone. And I cried a bit more after that later at her house, and then on the way home at night after dinner I started getting the feeling of crying when me and Mumma were walking home. And then when I was in my room I started crying again.

I logged my mood again in my health app, and then I tried doing a breathing exercise. I can’t do the normal ones like 4-4-4-4 or 3-7-5, I can’t do them comfortably. I set up a custom one for 3-1-3, which is better. I wish I could make it 3-0:30 seconds 3 because sometimes the 1 is too long. The breathing like that is helpful.

I was looking up how to clean a commode, and then I was looking online at Some caregiving and hospice tips and I think that’s what started getting me to cry, and then thinking about the other stuff.

I think so far I’ve been the only one to clean the commode. Mumma has helped Gramma use it with me twice, and I’ve helped her use it twice by myself. So far it’s just been urine, but we are going to try Miralax tomorrow because it’s been a while since she’d had a BM and she’s had a lot of opiates which can cause a lot of constipation. We aren’t going to try the Miralax tonight because me and Mumma would rather have the pooping happen when either me or her are there to help because it might be a lot for Grampa to handle by himself in the middle of the night.

I don’t mind cleaning the commode with just urine (I got liners for potential BMs because that I would have a harder time cleaning) because I’ve got gloved and it’s not a lot. But it does have a strong odor. While I’m cleaning I understand and the majority of it goes away, but then I keep getting more of the smell a bit after, and it might have to do with my own pad? I’m still getting some bleeding because my period has been so wack. And I assume that I might have some bits of pee in the pad from when I crouch down real low to help with stuff, my fat pushes on my bladder a bit.

The point being, that I still get some of the smell after I’m done cleaning the commode and I don’t like it.

I left after dinner at like 6. Mumma came over at 5 with dinner. Mumma said at like 6ish that I could go home if I wanted. (I told her earlier in the day that I enjoyed the time I got to myself and that I hope she enjoyed the time she got to herself). So right now it’s around 7 and I don’t know if she’s back at our house yet but I assume that she’ll come back over soon because Grampa would usually come and sit with Gramma in the living room and watch stuff together starting at 7.

Yesterday he held off for like a half hour because he felt he didn’t want to intrude, but I went and told him he can come over now because me and Mumma were basically done and wanted to go home. He needed to put on jammies and get ready for nite nite time, and then we needed to explain the pain meds and the commode to him, so we went home at 8.

So I think me and Mumma will split up the day, and then Grampa will be the main caregiver at night if she needs anything. Her phone is there but I don’t think she’s looked at it at all since she got home. Grandpa is sleeping downstairs with her so she should be able to wake him up and then he can call me and I’ll come over.

Last night I slept a lot better than the night before (the first night home). On the first night home I couldn’t sleep very well and I woke up kind of around 2 I guess and I was very nervous. I tried having some icewater and then Brown came and laid and purred on my chest for a bit. I ended up waking up at like 6:30 and I was still tired.

Last night after I cried for a bit, I watched some wind down videos, and then tried putting in sleep videos even though I wasn’t too sleepy yet. I wanted to make sure I got enough sleep between getting home at 8 and needing to wake up at like 6:30 the next morning for the haircut and getting everyone ready ahead of time. I get anxious about getting enough sleep.

I also have less of an appetite. Thursday evening me, Grandpa, and Mumma were all very hungry because it was 7pm and we hadn’t eaten anything all day since breakfast 12 hours ago. We were eating dinner that Erik went and got us and me and Mumma couldn’t finish outs because we got full right away.

Then Friday morning all I wanted for breakfast was a banana. And of course the one time I want a banana. Grandpa doesn’t have any left (usually he always tried to push bananas on me and Mumma when we’re over lol) so I got something small from McDonalds for breakfast because he offered to get me breakfast. I reluctantly ordered only one sandwich and a hashbrown and some orange juice and I could barely finish my hashbrown. We ended up with an extra hashbrown and I had to throw it away because I didn’t want to attempt it.

Then when Mumma made spaghetti I only had a little bit and no corn or garlic bread. And then this morning I thought I wanted a breakfast sandwich and then 4 mini muffins, but I could only get through the breakfast sandwich. And then I had nothing for lunch (late breakfast) and then for dinner Mumma reheated some potato soup she’d made and I only had a very little bit, like I filled a regular mug cup a bit less than half full with soup and I could just barely finish it. And a coworker had gotten cookies for my mom and I took two bites and I gave up on it.

I wanted to write more about how Grampa is getting better at giving care but he still has some things to work on but he is just worried about his wife. And I’m timid to make suggestions directly. I want to get this page together and uploaded so I can start watching wind down videos or read or something. I’m anxious about getting enough sleep still.

• Mood: fine I guess
• Listening to: Head like a hole - Devo
• Reading: reddit posts
• Watching: old dollightful videos
• Playing: ACNH, some Taiko no Tatsujin on my phone but not anymore
• Eating: gave up on cookie
• Drinking: icewater