A week seems like a good length of time in between posts, no?

Late September we had a company meeting and 6 people got laid off, and one was a senior manager and one was a project manager, and the project manager had been there for a while. (we have been delivering service even though clients haven’t been able to pay the invoices, like a million dollars worth . And one of our contracts, the money we got for it was coded incorrectly so that messed up the projections. And some other stuff about us taking longer and our maintenance being more expensive).

And now yesterday I hear that another high level manager (data team) is leaving because he got a better offer somewhere else. I had been an intern for about 5 months when he was hired, and now he’s leaving. There have been other people who have left for one reason or another, and it makes me worried. Like I have outlasted a handful of people… am I doing something wrong?

I am also still only part time, and my department is small (there are two of us tech writers). Idk. Sometimes I get really slow, and I don’t work hard at all on what I’m supposed to be working on. That’s why I like going into the office because it forces me to focus more. But I also like working from home because then I don’t feel pressured to look or behave normally and I can still work on stuff. But it gets really easy to be distracted at home.

Especially because this week I was asked to drive my dad to work on Monday because his car is in the shop, and then he will take a company van down to Chicago for some job. And then I was asked to take Gramma to her appointment that she has every Monday, which I have accompanied her there before. And that took like two and half hours, so I got like no time to actually work.

At the appointment she was told she needed a round of this IV antibiotics and needed to come back each day, so I was tasked with taking her again the next day because Grampa (her usual ride) was sick. I took her again today, but Grampa is feeling better so I will allow him to resume his husbandly duties to take his wife to her appointments.

But that meant that I worked from home Monday, Tuesday, and today (wednesday) and I have gotten like nothing done, so it’s making me really anxious . I keep having to tell myself it will be okay, and that I can get a lot done when I know that I have a full day’s work of time where I can work on stuff. Because I find it really difficult to get into Work mode like halfway through my normal work time (7a-12p).

Also when I was taking Gramma to her appointment yesterday (Tuesday), my mom called and said that she’d just gotten a robo-call from the retina place that I’d missed an appointment. I had it in my calendar for Wednesday, but apparently I’d been mistaken. And she called me right after I saw a Teams message from my coworker asking if I was out that morning. And this was happening as I was preparing to get onto the freeway. Luckily I had a red light right before the on ramp so I quickly typed a message saying that yes, I was out because I was taking Gramma to another appointment and I had meant to tell him (this was true) but I got distracted. He said (basically) okay and to make sure to tell him ahead of time next time. It made me nervous for a bit but then I coached myself into feeling better.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not autistic enough or not mentally ill enough to call myself either of those things (even though I am medically diagnosed with both). But writing that last sentence got me thinking, like, I do have coping strategies that I use. Because sometimes something will happen that makes me really nervous/anxious and I keep thinking a lot/spiraling, and I have to work at trying to calm myself down and have a different voice in my head (my voice) say that it will be okay, and that I can figure it out, and I can do a,b,c, etc., or sometimes I’ll have to say with my inside head voice to “STOP THINKING STOP THINKING,” which I have to do frequently. I do that when I think of something that’s making me distressed and continuing to think about it will continue to make me distressed. But this type of stuff is inconsequential, I don’t know how else to describe it. And I don’t want to think of any examples because then it will be in my head and I don’t want it there.

Basically my thought was that I do have coping strategies that I use to keep me from being extremely distressed, and if I didn’t have those coping strategies I would be extremely distressed more frequently. Maybe I can continue to tell myself that.

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Gramma had to get another transfusion last week Thursday, so I decided to make an appointment to donate blood on Friday. She gets platelets only and I give whole blood only os it’s not like she’d get my actual blood even though we are the same type, but it’s the thought that counts. She needed another transfusion because her hemoglobin (I think) was less than 7 again (at this last appointment it was 7.4 so she is on the up). The lower cutoff for healthy hemoglobin is 12.5. Mine is usually 13 when I donate. That’s because her cancer has spread to 90% of her bone marrow so only 10% of her bones can produce more blood. But the blood she has is good at carrying oxygen at least, I mean it’d have to otherwise there would be major problems.

I made sure to eat an egg and meat breakfast sandwich before I went in for my appointment because you’re supposed to eat a bit before you give blood. I also tried my best at drinking a lot of water, but I feel like no matter how much water I drink it doesn’t help at all, and I usually just have to pee a lot.

I brought my book with me so I wasn’t just stuck watching whatever garbage they had on the TVs. Because I don’t like having to look at my phone while I wait in public spaces… I don’t know, it feels wrong. Unless I’m waiting somewhere for a REALLY long time I guess.

I was going through the stuff before you get put into the chair, and she was asking the questions and doing the tests, and she was commenting on how nice and pleasant I was that morning (basically), and I said that “I enjoy being nice ,” because it’s true. I can’t remember what had happened where she had to comment on my demeanour, but whatever. I had mentioned when asked that I prefer the right arm, but I usually have problems getting a vein so I would be okay using a different arm if that’s what needed to happen.

When we got into the chair she went for my left arm right away I noticed. I didn’t really care. I just got my jacket into a ball on my lap and got to reading and doing what she asked me to do. She was having a hard time finding the vein and needed some help from some of the more experienced people, which is typical for my arms. She got one lady who incidentally had been the experienced person that that LAST person to draw my blood had to go find for help. She ended up digging around in my arm with the needle which hurt really bad.

I remember that the experienced lady was apologizing and that I said that “that’s the way it turns out sometimes,” or something very similar. Then the original woman had to get a new needle and needed some instruction in how to log the other needle or bag or whatever as resulting in no vein, but I had my book so I was okay. She was able to find my vein right away on my right arm, and the experienced woman was called over to inspect the vein that was found, and she said, “yeah look at where everybody else went” because you can see where other needle marks has been in there.

The whole time I was in the chair she was being very apologetic and I kept reassuring her that everything was fine. Normally my response when I talk about situations like this to other people is that “getting mad at them won’t make things happen any faster” and I feel like that is true. I almost said that “getting angry at you won’t make the blood draw any faster” or something but I held off. She also said when I was still in the chair that she was going to give me an extra coupon, and I said “okay, if you want to” because I was being “so patient.” Maybe she’s used to people bitching at her? She did seem a bit new at this and she was a younger woman, so maybe she was just feeling down on herself.

She wrote a note on my post-donation sheet thanking me which I found pretty cute.

A bit after the appointment I was tired of the bandaids so I took them off (re: ripped them off ) and that always leaves a bit of soreness where the adhesive was. I always feel like it rips some of my skin off, the bandaids from the blood donation place. I noticed that I had a big red dot on my right arm but not one on my left arm… so the digging around with a needle didn’t do anything but the regular blood draw spilled a bit. Whatever. It’s basically gone away by now.

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Sunday night I was up until like midnight, and then I woke up at 3:30am. I think Zippy got stuck in my room (the blockhead probably closed the door on himself) so he was meowing and then up by my face and purring really hard. He does that when he wants something usually, where he rubs all over you and purrs really loud. Mostly he does that a bit before his dinner time (he is on wet food). I didn’t really get a lot of sleep after that, maybe an hour before I had to get up at 6:30?

Then after I got home from the hospital and breakfast with Gramma at 11:45ish, I worked on my website and then I laid in bed, and it was soo comfortable... so I took a nap from like 3-7. I decided, Fuck It and stayed up working on my site again until 11:30 or 12, then had some cereal and went to sleep. Last night I also stayed up until 12ish and I just had to tell myself that that was just how it was going to be.

Normally I get anxious about falling asleep at a reasonable hour so I can get enough sleep, and it’s been this way my whole life. But because my parents are weird or something they always went to bed at like 8 or 9, so that meant (to me) that I also had to go to bed at that time and then fall asleep soon after. But I’m always so bad at the falling asleep part . See, I am the original iPad baby, where I need something playing to fall asleep to, and it’s been this way since like 4th grade maybe earlier (honestly I can’t remember). And times when the internet goes out I either have had to use phone data, or now I have some videos downloaded with YouTube premium, and I have some extra extra videos downloaded on my laptop and also Google Drive and also my tablet.

I remember being given a challenge (well, instructed because I had no choice in the matter) by I think a therapist? or a pediatrician? to go a week without watching videos before bed/to fall asleep to, and it was awful. I still looked at my phone for a while before bed to try and get tired, and I tried looking at some books I had, but it was still so awful. I can’t remember what happened, but I heard later through my mom that my therapist said that my tablet and watching videos at night isn’t a bad thing and that I need it. I can’t remember exactly what my mom said, but basically I am immune to anyone trying to take it away from me because of the autism. I guess.

When I go over to Maggie’s house, everyone is still awake and all of the lights are on until at least 10, and everyone is still actively doing stuff. And then they get up fairly early too. I don’t know how they do it. I prefer to get up early too (there was some time as a pre-teen where my sleep schedule was so fucked where I’d get up at like 10) and I always get nervous about not waking up in time.

I can’t remember what my point was about this sleep stuff but I want to be done writing now. Okay bye. Also, remind me to write about going to Folk Fair next week.

• Mood: Rootin-Tootin
• Listening to: Pour Some Sugar on me - Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox
• Reading: This Way Up: When Maps Go Wrong (And Why It Matters) - Mark Cooper-Jones and Jay Foreman
• Watching: Micheal MJD videos
• Playing: ACNH
• Eating: ate a lot of pancake for breakfast
• Drinking: Icewater